you are the sun, you make me shine ♪

It's hard to admit...

but I've fallen in 'care'.

With a 21 year old, senior percussion preformance major, and soon-to-be marine.

Oddly, he's everything I never thought I wanted. He (used to) smoke, doesn't have a car, has been known to be quite the ladies man, has baggage, has a panic disorder, and a load of debt that makes me cringe. (Student debt is a b*tch)

A lot about him shouts at me to run as far as I can, but I had a certain curiousity about him that drew me to him. He seemed like the polar opposite of me. And as I began to know him, I wanted to help him. The psychologist in me wanted to help the poor little boy I saw inside of him. I had this intense urge to make him happy. So that's what I did. I became his best friend. I listened to him, and gave him my honest opinions. I started to change him little by little. But what I didn't see was that he was changing me. He changed a lot of the opinions I had about a lot of things; opened my eyes to a lot of things I didn't see.

Mostly, he changed my perception of people. I had been at a point in my life where I thought people were terrible until proven good. I had been too hurt too many times to really trust anyone. One weekend, I left for Tennessee for my cousin's wedding. On my tipsy way to grab a sweatshirt, my phone rang. After a short amount of small talk, I'm blown with:

"Amanda...how do you feel about me?"

"I...I like you. I like you a lot. I don't know what that means or what it will be, but...yeah....why?"

"I just want you to know...that I've enjoyed all the time we've spent together. I think you're a beautiful woman. And that...I've grown to care about you. A lot."

I felt my heart stop during that phone call, and any buzz I had going was gone. Those three words had -never-, not once, been spoken to me. Especially from the opposite sex. "I care about you." Note, the last time a boy told me he loved me, he "took it back". Don't ask me about it. Not bitter, but I'd like to forget it happened. I had recently learned things about him that made me question his motives to be around me. I kind of started to figure that if he wanted in my pants, he would have made that move already.

He tells me nearly daily that he cares about me. So, I know it's the god-honest truth.

We hung out as soon as I got back. Spent the night studying and goofing off. The sexual tension between us is so thick you would need a chainsaw to get through it. I teased him, because of course I thought his reactions were hilarious. Finally I decided it was time to go to bed.

"Don't I get a hug?"

"Of course, unless you're too afraid of me touching you."

Before I could note his reaction, some other part of me took over. I reached up on my tip toes, put both hands on either side of his face, and kissed him, smack dab on the lips. Felt everything in my body shiver, but I let go as soon as he started to kiss back. I smiled, said goodnight (kinda the way Princess Jasmine does) and shut my door, but slowly enough that I saw the dumbfound euphoric look on his face. It's the most priceless look of shock and awe I have ever seen.

"I think I forgot how to blink for a minute", he texted a good fifteen minutes later.

I severely regret not kissing him more.

Things got complicated after that.

He was involved in a little love triangle before me. Ex-fiancee and another girl. I would say I'm friends with both. Which makes my life extremely difficult. And, the girl, whom I love to death, started talking to him again. All was fine, until she found out how he and I felt about eachother. Lovely. And then the battle began. Her and I both pressured him to make a decision, though I was willing to be with him and she was (and still is) not.

I thought for sure he'd chose me. It was easy to me. He felt right. Our whole friendship/relationship was a game of give and take, like it should be. We think eachother are the bee's knees. We've taken care of eachother when we were sick, and held eachother when we were sad. We hadn't known eachother on this level for incredibly long, but we were incredibly close for that amount of time. I giggled at the thought of possibily being this boy's girlfriend; someone had mentally had my eye on since before I started Fall term of '08 at B-W.


He did not.

It crushed me. I don't think I've ever broken down like that in my life. It felt like the delicate string that was holding the seams of my heart together tugged and lay firmly on the ground, remnants of what was left of my heart scattered. I've never broken down like that, especially in front of someone else. I wanted to leave, I wanted to run. He wouldn't let me. But he stayed with me. It was a constant up and down. I can't stay mad at him, yet...

"I don't want to hurt you", "I've never wanted to hurt you," he says. But he did hurt me, in the worst humanly way possible. Another Halloween ruined. Halloween is my least favorite holiday, btw.

It's been on and off arguing for the past week and a half. Things will usually go really well for a few hours, or we start arguing right off the bat. The current question is whether I stay with him.

Though his choice was her, she doesn't want him. I watched him nearly cry over it, biting my tongue, wanting to tell him how stupid he was, why he couldn't just give me a chance to make him happy if he cares for me as much as I care for him.

That's what sucks so bad. The fact that he reciprocates all my feelings makes it so much worse. I would much rather he find me repulsive and not want anything to do with me. IT'd make my life easier. He wants me there. He wants me around.

("Why do you have to be so wonderful?" I've said with my eyes full of tears. "Why can't you just be an asshole?!")

I would like to say he's selfish for asking this of me. But he knows. He knows how hard it is, how I struggle daily in a battle I don't think even needs fought. I've had a panic attack I've cried so hard. (Those things are horrible. I dont suggest ever having one if you can ever help it).

We talk a lot about me taking my time to myself, not to be with him. He doesn't want that, but starts to think more and more that it's what's best for me. Truth is, not talking to him for a day doesn't feel right. It feels like something is out of place; like something is missing. I can't live with him, and I can't live without him. The thought of stopping all contact with him because I'm selfish and self-centered makes my throat knot. But sticking around makes me paranoid he's going to hate me. Because I am selfish enough to still want him. And when I want something, I make sure I get it.

Our friendship that was so easy now requires work. It requires me to shut my mouth and control my emotions, and requires him to be constantly aware of how what he is doing or saying will affect me. He's willing to put in the work. He is the first to be this willing. Usually we get in a fight about it on a bidaily basis.

Except last night.

Last night was the most wonderful night I've had with him in a while. All we did was snuggle and watch youtube videos and the 40 Year Old Virgin, but it was one of the most wonderful times I've had with him. Little was said, but it wasn't an awkward silence. Sometimes silence really is golden. We fell asleep together cuddled up in my bed. I woke up at 2:30 to realize something odd was on TV. I woke him up by moving to turn the TV off. I knew he would leave. I wanted him not to; to stay; more than anything in the world. He looked at me, ready to apologize and plead with me not to be upset.

"I don't want you to go; I would love for you to stay all night....but I understand why you can't."

He thanked me for my understanding, embraced me, and left.

My bed has never felt so large.

He means the world to me. He really cares about me. He really does. I really care about him. I started wishing again, every night, at 11:11, that we have a fighting chance.

"What if we met under different circumstances?" I asked.

"If we had met in a coffee shop..in a different time in a different place....and only you and I mattered....I'd say we'd already be together. And we'd have a serious fighting chance."

I'm waiting for the day he's able to stand in front of me, man to woman, and ask me to be his. That day, I will gladly say yes.