you are the sun, you make me shine ♪

It's hard to admit...

but I've fallen in 'care'.

With a 21 year old, senior percussion preformance major, and soon-to-be marine.

Oddly, he's everything I never thought I wanted. He (used to) smoke, doesn't have a car, has been known to be quite the ladies man, has baggage, has a panic disorder, and a load of debt that makes me cringe. (Student debt is a b*tch)

A lot about him shouts at me to run as far as I can, but I had a certain curiousity about him that drew me to him. He seemed like the polar opposite of me. And as I began to know him, I wanted to help him. The psychologist in me wanted to help the poor little boy I saw inside of him. I had this intense urge to make him happy. So that's what I did. I became his best friend. I listened to him, and gave him my honest opinions. I started to change him little by little. But what I didn't see was that he was changing me. He changed a lot of the opinions I had about a lot of things; opened my eyes to a lot of things I didn't see.

Mostly, he changed my perception of people. I had been at a point in my life where I thought people were terrible until proven good. I had been too hurt too many times to really trust anyone. One weekend, I left for Tennessee for my cousin's wedding. On my tipsy way to grab a sweatshirt, my phone rang. After a short amount of small talk, I'm blown with:

"Amanda...how do you feel about me?"

"I...I like you. I like you a lot. I don't know what that means or what it will be, but...yeah....why?"

"I just want you to know...that I've enjoyed all the time we've spent together. I think you're a beautiful woman. And that...I've grown to care about you. A lot."

I felt my heart stop during that phone call, and any buzz I had going was gone. Those three words had -never-, not once, been spoken to me. Especially from the opposite sex. "I care about you." Note, the last time a boy told me he loved me, he "took it back". Don't ask me about it. Not bitter, but I'd like to forget it happened. I had recently learned things about him that made me question his motives to be around me. I kind of started to figure that if he wanted in my pants, he would have made that move already.

He tells me nearly daily that he cares about me. So, I know it's the god-honest truth.

We hung out as soon as I got back. Spent the night studying and goofing off. The sexual tension between us is so thick you would need a chainsaw to get through it. I teased him, because of course I thought his reactions were hilarious. Finally I decided it was time to go to bed.

"Don't I get a hug?"

"Of course, unless you're too afraid of me touching you."

Before I could note his reaction, some other part of me took over. I reached up on my tip toes, put both hands on either side of his face, and kissed him, smack dab on the lips. Felt everything in my body shiver, but I let go as soon as he started to kiss back. I smiled, said goodnight (kinda the way Princess Jasmine does) and shut my door, but slowly enough that I saw the dumbfound euphoric look on his face. It's the most priceless look of shock and awe I have ever seen.

"I think I forgot how to blink for a minute", he texted a good fifteen minutes later.

I severely regret not kissing him more.

Things got complicated after that.

He was involved in a little love triangle before me. Ex-fiancee and another girl. I would say I'm friends with both. Which makes my life extremely difficult. And, the girl, whom I love to death, started talking to him again. All was fine, until she found out how he and I felt about eachother. Lovely. And then the battle began. Her and I both pressured him to make a decision, though I was willing to be with him and she was (and still is) not.

I thought for sure he'd chose me. It was easy to me. He felt right. Our whole friendship/relationship was a game of give and take, like it should be. We think eachother are the bee's knees. We've taken care of eachother when we were sick, and held eachother when we were sad. We hadn't known eachother on this level for incredibly long, but we were incredibly close for that amount of time. I giggled at the thought of possibily being this boy's girlfriend; someone had mentally had my eye on since before I started Fall term of '08 at B-W.


He did not.

It crushed me. I don't think I've ever broken down like that in my life. It felt like the delicate string that was holding the seams of my heart together tugged and lay firmly on the ground, remnants of what was left of my heart scattered. I've never broken down like that, especially in front of someone else. I wanted to leave, I wanted to run. He wouldn't let me. But he stayed with me. It was a constant up and down. I can't stay mad at him, yet...

"I don't want to hurt you", "I've never wanted to hurt you," he says. But he did hurt me, in the worst humanly way possible. Another Halloween ruined. Halloween is my least favorite holiday, btw.

It's been on and off arguing for the past week and a half. Things will usually go really well for a few hours, or we start arguing right off the bat. The current question is whether I stay with him.

Though his choice was her, she doesn't want him. I watched him nearly cry over it, biting my tongue, wanting to tell him how stupid he was, why he couldn't just give me a chance to make him happy if he cares for me as much as I care for him.

That's what sucks so bad. The fact that he reciprocates all my feelings makes it so much worse. I would much rather he find me repulsive and not want anything to do with me. IT'd make my life easier. He wants me there. He wants me around.

("Why do you have to be so wonderful?" I've said with my eyes full of tears. "Why can't you just be an asshole?!")

I would like to say he's selfish for asking this of me. But he knows. He knows how hard it is, how I struggle daily in a battle I don't think even needs fought. I've had a panic attack I've cried so hard. (Those things are horrible. I dont suggest ever having one if you can ever help it).

We talk a lot about me taking my time to myself, not to be with him. He doesn't want that, but starts to think more and more that it's what's best for me. Truth is, not talking to him for a day doesn't feel right. It feels like something is out of place; like something is missing. I can't live with him, and I can't live without him. The thought of stopping all contact with him because I'm selfish and self-centered makes my throat knot. But sticking around makes me paranoid he's going to hate me. Because I am selfish enough to still want him. And when I want something, I make sure I get it.

Our friendship that was so easy now requires work. It requires me to shut my mouth and control my emotions, and requires him to be constantly aware of how what he is doing or saying will affect me. He's willing to put in the work. He is the first to be this willing. Usually we get in a fight about it on a bidaily basis.

Except last night.

Last night was the most wonderful night I've had with him in a while. All we did was snuggle and watch youtube videos and the 40 Year Old Virgin, but it was one of the most wonderful times I've had with him. Little was said, but it wasn't an awkward silence. Sometimes silence really is golden. We fell asleep together cuddled up in my bed. I woke up at 2:30 to realize something odd was on TV. I woke him up by moving to turn the TV off. I knew he would leave. I wanted him not to; to stay; more than anything in the world. He looked at me, ready to apologize and plead with me not to be upset.

"I don't want you to go; I would love for you to stay all night....but I understand why you can't."

He thanked me for my understanding, embraced me, and left.

My bed has never felt so large.

He means the world to me. He really cares about me. He really does. I really care about him. I started wishing again, every night, at 11:11, that we have a fighting chance.

"What if we met under different circumstances?" I asked.

"If we had met in a coffee shop..in a different time in a different place....and only you and I mattered....I'd say we'd already be together. And we'd have a serious fighting chance."

I'm waiting for the day he's able to stand in front of me, man to woman, and ask me to be his. That day, I will gladly say yes.

I am beyond fed up with life. At least at B-W.

I am highly considering once more moving back to Tennessee, and this time, making it semi- permanent.

I'm tired of being lied to. I'm tired of putting my all into everything and getting nothing back. I'm tired of loving people and getting nothing. I'm tired of putting my faith in people who don't deserve a benefit of a doubt. I'm tired of half-ass friends that only give a shit when they see some benefit for them.

Every time I see him with that girl, my stomach turns. It literally makes me sick to my stomach and want to kick something cute.

I am most certain I am much prettier than this girl. That's the only thing that calms me down. (that's saying something since I don't generally find myself attractive.)

Bethel University in McKenzie Tennessee will only cost me 10k a year without financial aid. And i have family who would bemore than willing to take me in, and I'd have a job. Yup.

It's gonna happen.

Operant Conditioning

I'm back :]
I've been a busy bee you know.

So, I think I'm going to start telling funny little anectdotes about my childhood. I think they'll be funny. :]

So, the other day, in my Abnormal Psych class, we were talking about methods of learning. One is operant conditioning, in which you learn either by reinforcment or by punishment. My professor asked me what I had learned by operant conditioning.

"Don't run with your hands in your pockets."

Seriously.

So, I was 7. I lived a block and a half from the bus stop. But for some reason, I felt that I was running late. I looked cute, with my new little bell bottoms, purple raincoat, and purple Aladdin lunch box. It was supposed to rain, so I had my umbrella too. So, I started to run my way to the middle school to catch my ride to my daily hell.

My hands were really cold. That's uncomfortable, you know. So what do I do?

Shove them in my pockets. While carrying a lunch box and an umbrella.
....and, I kept running.

I was valedictorian of my high school class you know.

I was so close. So, so, so close.

You know, when you're falling, and there's that tiny moment when time stops, and you think "Oh sh#t. I am going to fall. There is -nothing- I can do about this."? Yup. That happened. Only it was a million times worse because I couldn't catch myself with my hands.

Face? Meet pavement. I am sure you will become wonderful friends.

Now, I've been known to be kind of clumsy. So. I wasn't going to cry. I sucked it up. Sat up until my head started spinning and assesed the damage. No rip in my jeans, my lunch didn't spill anywhere. Ow.. my nose...

Yup, shouldn't have touched my nose either. I could have kept some dignity.

It was bad. I removed my hand to see that it was covered in blood. I didn't think that much blood could come from the -outside- of your nose. Oh, it can. I didn't think I could wail that loud.

You bet your @$$ I wailed.

I was promptly taken inside to the middle school nurse. All the skin on my nose, was like. Gone.

They called my mom. She....laughed. I can't lie, I probably would too.

I refused to wear a bandaid. No way I was going to look like that kind of goober. So, she let me wear the bandaid at home and not go to school. Little did I know that kids I didn't even know at the time knew about my little accident.

So yeah. Went to school the next day with the biggest scab the world had ever seen. Right in the middle of my face.

I was in love with this kid, BG, we'll call him. He was such a cute kid. I suppose you could call him my first elementary school crush. Valentine's day came around. He didn't want to be my Valentine. Because of the giant scab on my face.

The things that mortify a kid.

My dad still says, "Remember that one time you ran with your hands in your pockets?"

Yes Dad. *grumble*

My professor laughed. "I suppose that is a very good lesson learned by operant conditioning."

To this day, I don't run on the pavement.

I don't walk with my hands in my pockets either.

Operant Conditioning, ftw.

Opinion Poll.

Now, everyone has an opinion about everything. It's true. There's more opinion in the world than fact. Except for the previous sentence, which is a fact, in my own opinion. See, there ya go.

I met this lady this weekend. A real southern lady. Like, I really wouldn't be surprised if I saw her again in a Scarlett O'Hara getup. I got to talk to her a lot and really get to know her. The woman is loaded with opinions. Some I agree with (like, how women are calling themselves independent for sleeping around and such. But, we won't get on that subject.) but some I think are way far off base.

She believes everything that our government does is some kind of conspiracy.

Well, normally, I like to listen to those sorts of things. Not that I necessarily believe them; I think a lot of evidence is coincidental, and that some people in history have just been down right idiots. Like, I'm on the fence about the whole cancer cure conspiracy. I think if there was a cure, even if covered up, someone else would find it in another part of the world.

As in all cases, opinions usually have little to no validity if not backed up with the proper facts and information.

This woman got all her information from some book. Wouldn't even tell me what book.

Now, she thinks Muslims are trying to establish a new World Order by bankrupting and destroying America. And that they are going to enslave and torture women.

Yup.

Granted, each group has it's extremists, but if you read up on Islam, they're a very peaceful bunch. They dont' believe in war, and although women are supposed to be covered up like you see on TV, modern Muslim women have that choice to dress that way, and they are treated as eequals to men. In fact, if I am not mistaken, the Qu'ran says that male and female are to be treated equally. They're big on tradition, so it makes them seem less civilized. Muslims even believe in Jesus Christ. (Not as an actual savior [though he is stated to save the world in their escatalogical myth] but as the Son of God just the same). Take a religion class if you don't believe me.

Yes, Obama's middle name is Hussein, a popular Islamic name.

Is he a Muslim?
I don't care. His father is from Africa, and that's a big religion there. So, probably.


Does it freak me out that he's not all that patriotic?
Yes.

Do I think he's making some choices for the nation that I dont' think are the best?
Yes.

Do I think he's going for a coup de'tat?
No.


I try to have a least a little faith in my president. Even if I'm less than satisfied with his preformance.


Have any opinion you want. But don't let it be an ignorant opinion! Inform yourself! All the knowledge you could ever want is at your fingertips. Use it.

A Requiem for a Beast.

Woo! Got a new laptop!

So, this year, I lost all battery power in my laptop, which is old as dirt. 2002. Windows XP. You get the picture.

I've been up and down with that stupid thing. It blue screened the first week I had it at college.

Piece. Of. Sh!+.

I've gotten porn adware. Voices that say "You've Won!". Increasingly slow speeds and pop up viruses.

Too old to get new virus protection when the old expires.

Freakin connects to the internet like it's dial-up.

The thing takes a good 20 minutes to just boot up. And I can't take it anywhere because it has no battery power.

And a week ago, it started turning off on its own without warning. FML.

I will give it that from the outside, it's virtually indestructable. It has been thrown, sat on, punched, and God only knows what it went through before me (bought it used.) Yet, you'd look at it and have no idea. Steel shell I tell ya. That's why I call it the Beast. Strong and indestructible, but painstakingly slow.

I freaked out and cried when it started turning off by itself, because that meant on top of the money I needed to make for school, I needed to buy a laptop.

But, turns out, my parents are really awesome people.

They came to visit here after dropping Megan off in Illinois for Bands of America camp. As I'm working on lining up golf carts, Dad says

"I have a present for you. But you'll have to arm wrestle me for it."

My dad is 6'5'' and 275lbs. I'm not going to beat him in arm wrestling.

So after work I told him how unfair that was, and he says "Okay, okay"..and disappears.

He returns with a huge HP box.

I start jumping up and down and saying "You didn't!!! You didn't!!!"

I'm pretty sure that my parents and my aunt and uncle had the looks on their faces as if I were five years old and it was Christmas morning.

Yes, the moment was just that magical.

Three years I put up with that stupid laptop. THREE. YEARS.

And this one is God's way of telling me that this school year is gonna be looking up.

:]

I told Dad he owns my soul until this machinery dies.

They must seriously love me.

This probably means I will not have a birthday or Christmas present again this year, but I'm okay with that. This is more money I can save to go to Disney World. I'm down with it.

I kind of love my life right now. It's a pleasant feeling when everything starts looking up.

I love my parents. <3 Some days they drive me crazy, but, I'm really glad I have them.


What's going to happen to the Beast? Well,I plan on wrapping up and putting a note on it, To: Megan. Love: Your sister.
>:]

Actually, that's cruel and unusual punishment.

I told Dad he can tinker with it and do whatever he likes.


I'm just so happy, I could squeal.

*squeal*.

These Are a Few of my Favorite Things ♪

Do you like my new layout? I do. :]
The Wifey did it :]
www.wifeydesigns.blogspot.com I do believe is her url for her templates. She did this in two hours. I think it's pretty fantastic.

Um, so my favorite TV show as a kid is getting redubbed.



Yup. Apparently, since the DragonballZ reform went so well (besides that flop of a live action movie), apparently the people who own Sailor Moon have decided to rerelease it. It's been redubbed in Italian, where it's on trial, currently. If it does well, they're going to redub all the seasons, possibly including the unreleased Sailor Moon Stars.

I am pumped.

Don't judge me. Ha. I still occasionally watch Sailor Moon when I hate life. Just like Disney movies. I had all kinds of Sailor Moon paraphenalia as a kid. I had a piggy bank, all the "action" dolls, a few of the big dolls, notebooks, folders, a backpack, pencils, movies, videogames, books...I have the first 5 of the original manga. I hope those get re-released too. I will spend 10 dollars out of every pay check to buy the rest of them. Just to have them. Of course, I have the first one in mint condition. Know how much it's worth? On Amazon...$200.

Wonder if my old Pokemon gel pens are worth anything. I'm sure I have them lying around somewhere....

Oh, and apparently,there's going to be a Michael Jackson videogame. I may buy a Wii for the soul purpose of having that game. (I hear Sonic the Hedgehog 4 will be on the Wii too...so, maybe not the "soul" purpose.) It basically works like RockBand. Of course, this was just posted today. (I only know because of Facebook...okay?)

Oh, and does anyone remember SkyDancers?



My cousin and I were talking about those the other day and I couldn't remember the names of them to save my life.

Until just now.

Oh well.

Well, I'm getting up early in the morning because my aunt has surgery and my it's my uncle's birthday, so I'm gonna have the house all uber clean for them when they get home :]

Toodle pip!

Sunburns and Maggie Moo's: A Weekend Overview

Let me just say that my cousin's kid Nathan is hilarious. He is probably my favorite 5-year-old on the planet. The kid plays SNES games with me. He's ecstatic about my Aladdin game. Plays it constantly. Last week, he was playing, and he stopped for a minute. He sat on my lap and kissed me, and said "I bet I've never done that to you before." I about peed my pants with laughter, and thanked him for the kiss. He said "It's cuz I like you. You're funny like Mommy."

We play Candy Land every so often, which is his favorite game. He really likes to watch me play Zelda on the Wii though. He asks tons of questions, and tells me what he wants me to do.

Yesterday, I was sitting on the couch watching Spongebob and he curled up right next to me. He laid his head on my chest and hugged me and watched a whole episode like that.

Krissy affectionately calls him her "snugglebug."

I think we should teach little boys to be a little more affectionate. It doesn't make him a pansy. He likes boy things and plays with boy toys. But I think he's going to grow up to really know how to treat a girl right. And he's pretty honest about his feelings, which, for a boy is pretty cool, I must admit. He's the kind of kid that makes me want to have kids.

Kylie is Nathan's age. And the complete opposite. This is the girliest girl I know. she constantly has on a leotard and a tutu. One of the first things I saw her do was flip her hair and giggle. She had on sticker nails this week and was totally enthralled. Yesterday, she sat next to Nathan and said, "Nathan, do you love me? Do you think I'm beauuutiful?"

Needless to say, Nathan ignored her.

The girl is adorable (she has the most gorgeous hair I have ever seen on a kid), but she really knows how to get under your skin. She has an obsession with my jewlery and sits on my lap every single day to examine what I have on, even if I wore the same thing yesterday. She will ask the same question 50 times, and will always ask for ice cream when her parents just told her no. She is going to be a handful as a teenager, I know that already.

Landon is 2. He is like a monkey-man. He has feet that he is still too large for, and trips over regularly. He confidently says my name is "Pia", and gives me a kiss every night before bed. He loves hummus, and to play a Hi-five game I know. When he wants to play, he climbs up on my lap, smiles, and says "Up high, down low?", which sounds more like "Pie dawn woe?" I barely understand a word he says, (besides Pia!) but, somehow I usually understand what he wants.

We played Mario Kart this weekend on the Wii. You will never find someone who is worse than I am. Seriously. I'm an awesome driver. But I try to drive a Mario Kart like a car...doesn't go too well. My uncle kicked my @$$.

I'm also becoming one of those History Channel/ Discovery Channel/ National Geographic Channel dorks. I like Deadliest Catch, and I looove to watch Pawn Stars. American Pickers is decent too. My aunt has warned me about Uncle Jerry's terrible TV shows, but most aren't too bad. Though I have gotten stuck watching several hours of Nick Jr., and I'd rather have diarrhea than watch the acid trip that is Yo Gabba Gabba again. I will probably be psychoanalyzing those children that watch that show in 20 years. But seriously. I love me some Pawn Stars. My new roommate (whoever they might be) may hate me.I know I hated watching Ghost Whisperer and TCM all the time. Or those real housewives things. If you like it, good for you. But I think it's crappy TV. Just my opinion.

Krissy and I sat out at the pool on Saturday. The Tennessee sunn is nothing like the Ohio sun. In the summers, I usually sit out all day long before I'm toasty. In 2 hours, I got the burn of my life, despite the SPF 50.

Now, you ask, why didn't I get out of the sun? Well, that's because I wasn't burned then. About four hours and some Chinese food later, we were shopping when I realized my stomach itched. I knew that I was probably developing a burn, but didn't check it for another hour until I was trying on clothes at "Gap's retarded cousin" (Old Navy).

Let's just say that it was a good thing I have Sundays off, because I couldn't move.

I'm pleasantly tan now, but my skin is still kind of painful and crunchy.

We then went to Maggie Moo's for some ice cream, and I'm fairly certain that it was the best I had ever tasted. Red velvet? Blueberry muffin? You bet. I sampled probably five flavors. I went with some dark chocolate with fudge brownies. It was fantastic. Got it on my white shorts (never fails...) but it was totally worth it. They have ice cream cupcakes. That is my next goal next time I'm in Jackson. (Besides the Victoria's Secret Semi-Annual sale of course!)

Tomorrow is housework day! Going to do a bazillion loads of laundry (by that, I probably mean three. Lights. Darks. Towels. Sha'zam.) Clean my room, my bathroom, and try to at least get the kitchen clean for my aunt.

Ahh, it felt good to blog about good things :]