Turning Over a New Leaf.

Happy Thursday. It's sunny and 80 degrees here in Ohio today. But, I'm taking a little while's break to get some stuff done.

(And I'm obviously failing).

But, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about my life. And the kind of person I want to be.


I'll face it.

I did some bad things this year.

Sure, I have wonderful friends who hug me and say that I was just following my heart. But what I did still wasn't right. What's the point of getting what you want if you have to lie and cheat to get it?

"If you want it, you've already got it" ♪ , So says Madonna. And I think she's right.

If I love someone and I want their love in return, that's all fine and dandy. But, if I need to work for that person's love, it isn't quite worth it. Love should be natural, and perhaps it was between us. But, I shouldn't have had to do those things to keep him with me.

Chances are, if someone is willing to lie and cheat on one person, they're willing to do it to you too.

I'm finding that out the hard way.

A dear friend told me once that I was too kind, forgiving, and trusting. That these were good qualities in a person, but too much of them can make a person nieve and open to a world of pain.

He was right.

Time after time again, I'd forgive him. I'd forgive him when he lied to me and when he hurt me. I'd take one look into his eyes that are the exact shade of brown mine are, and I'd forgive him. I'd melt at his smile instead of standing strong.

I hurt one of my best friends in the world for him.

We haven't been friends this year. But that doesn't mean I care about her any less. But I still hurt her, whether she knows it or not. And I will never be able to let myself be friends with her again because I feel so guilty.

I spent time with a guy I had liked for a good amount of time. He's a year older than me, and has a heart of gold. He's not perfect, by any means, but...I never fail to feel good when I'm with him. He makes me smile, even if he's making me angry. Although we hadn't talked in a long time, he could tell there was something that was just itching at me to get out. He told me I could tell him anything.

I told him the truth. Every little one of the lies I had told, to cover my ex-lover's butt. I was never really concerned for my own. I just wanted to protect -him-. So, I had myself convinced that it wasn't my secret to tell, when really, I had every right to tell the world.

He held my hand while I cried and told him every little detail of my year. He hugged me close when I asked if I was a bad person, and told me that I was not. That I just followed my heart. I just went about it the completely wrong way. And that he couldn't understand why I'd do so much for a guy who wasn't up to my worth. He told me I was better than that, and that I deserved more. That's the first time a guy has told me I deserved more; that I wasn't something worthless.

We've barely talked since.

Though, I think that maybe he still cares, he's lost a lot of respect for me. I don't blame him. I wanted to have a chance with him, but I single handedly ruined it. I know I did the right thing by telling him the truth. And now I'm dealing with the consquences. If I did have a chance with him, he probably thinks that I'm capable of hurting him the exact same way I was hurt. And it's true, I am capable. We are -all- capable of that. It doesn't mean I would though. I care about this guy more than I'd ever admit to him, and I'd never do anything to hurt him.

But, he doesn't know that. So, I don't blame him.

Morrie Schwartz (You know, Tuesdays with Morrie?) said that forgiveness is important. In order for anyone to forgive you, you have to forgive yourself first. This is a hard thing to do, I'm sure. But I'm going to try. I'm going to separate myself from that situation and put it in my past, which is where it belonged in the first place. I'll remember the good times, but shut out the bad. I won't try to correct things, because the situation is beyond repair. But I am going to separate myself from everything and hope God hands out his just desserts.

"Memories are nice, but that's all they are." -Rikku, FFX.

Your past is a part of you, but it isn't who you are. Remininsce, but don't live in the past. It's worthless and will get you virtually nowhere.

I'm a big past-dweller, I know it. I keep missing the things that are going on right now, because I'm too preoccupied with things that already happened.

I'm also aware that I've been a nasty piece of work this year. It's not -my- fault persay, buttt. I don't necessarily have an excuse for it either. Screw you, hypothyroidism.

So, I'm going to work on it.

I'm going to catch myself before I say something downright nasty or unthoughtful. And I'm going to get myself motivated.

I'm going to show the people I love that I love them.
And I'm going to be kinder, and more outgoing.
I'm going to be more respectful to my parents.

And most of all, I'm going to learn to respect myself.

And I'm sure my closest friends are going to read this and say:


AMEN.